Azumanga Tales
by funvince
Summary: Exactly as the title says. Tales of our favorite characters making it through the trials and tribulations of high school. Chapter 3: New Year Fun!
1. Standard Deviation

Synopsis: Chiyo has her friends take an IQ test. Not original, I know. I stole this idea from an episode of _Everyone Loves Raymond, _but the plot is all mine.

**Azumanga Tales: Standard Deviation **

It was raining outside.

By some remarkable coincidence, Yomi, Tomo, Chiyo, Kagura, Osaka, Sakaki, and Kaorin were stuck waiting out the storm in their classroom.

Well, coincidence and the fact that Tomo had sold their umbrellas to the other students for an easy profit.

While Yomi demanded that Tomo buy her a new umbrella or at least give her a share of her newfound wealth, the other girls were doing their own things.

Osaka was pressed up against the window, not daring to blink in fear that she would miss seeing a single drop of rain fall.

Sakaki was doodling kittens in her notebook and was having an enjoyable time of it, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched.

Kaorin, of course, was doing the watching.

Kagura just sat back, amused at the antics of her friends.

Chiyo had mentioned something about the computer lab and had left about ten minutes before.

"I'm bored!" Tomo suddenly whined.

"Perhaps if someone hadn't sold our only means of getting home not drenched, you wouldn't have this problem," Yomi said through gritted teeth.

"Are you still on that?" Tomo asked in amazement. "You have to learn to live in the present, Yomi! With your depressingly dull life, it's your only hope!"

"I'm not dull!" Yomi protested.

Tomo leaned her head against her elbow and took on an exaggeratedly bored expression. "Hello, my name is Yomi and this is my life. I wake up, go to school, then go home and sleep. School, school, school. Diet, diet, diet. How could I possibly spice up my ultra-exciting life? I know! I'll do a report on dieting!"

Yomi sputtered incoherently for a few seconds, trying for a comeback. When logic failed her, she fell back on a rote response. "Moron! What do you know?"

"I bet I know more than you!" Tomo yelled, her competitive nature rising within her.

"Ha!"

Before this could degenerate into the usual name-calling and face pulling, Chiyo came back into the room carrying a stack of papers.

"Hey, guys," she piped. "I found this IQ test online and I thought it'd be fun if we all took it."

"I don't know. That seems to be the complete opposite of fun…" Tomo complained.

"Come on!" Chiyo pouted. "I really want to see how everyone does. I'll treat everyone to ice cream afterwards."

Chiyo passed out the papers and the girls collectively shrugged. The level of enthusiasm was still low, but it wasn't like there was anything else to do.

"What does the winner get?" Tomo demanded.

"There aren't really any winners…" Chiyo began before noticing the expectant look on the wild girl's face and giving up. "I buy an extra scoop of ice cream for whoever scores the highest."

"Now we're talking!" Tomo jumped into her seat and began scribbling.

Osaka fell asleep right on top of her test about ten minutes in. Kagura looked like she wanted to join the flighty girl and Kaorin couldn't keep her eyes on her paper. It was impossible to tell how Sakaki felt, but that was nothing new.

Yomi absently chewed her lip as she carefully filled out the test. She may not have been getting graded for this, but that was no reason not to do well.

"Psst! Yomi, what'd you get for number fifteen?"

"Moron..."

* * *

"I have the scores!" Chiyo said excitedly, skipping back into the room.

"Chiyo-chan, I know that this contest is just for the rest of us, but what was the score you received?" Yomi asked.

Chiyo blushed then she meekly told her score.

There was a stunned silence.

Then Tomo and Kagura gave each other a nod and began pushing Chiyo out of the room.

"Get out, you know-it-all! We don't want your kind here!" Tomo cried.

"You mean the smart kind?" Yomi asked dryly.

"That's right!"

Chiyo's voice came in from the hallway, unflustered by her friends' strange and entirely unsurprising behavior. "Come into the hall one at a time and I'll tell you your score."

"Screw that!" Tomo yelled. "I want to know who I'm better than! Come back in here!"

An audible sigh was heard from the hallway, then the little redhead walked into the room.

"Okay, I'll tell everyone how they ranked, but I'm keeping the scores private. If you want to share them with each other, that's your business," Chiyo said seriously. "Is everyone fine with that?"

Everyone nodded, recognizing the gravity of the situation. Even Tomo.

Satisfied that everyone was listening to her, Chiyo brightened and got into the spirit of things. Raising her arms and her voice, she said dramatically, "Welcome to the first Mihama IQ Competition! Only one person will win a double-scoop ice cream cone, but remember that there are no losers here-"

There was a cough from Yomi that sounded suspiciously like, 'Tomo.'

"In last place is Ayumu Kasuga, or as we call her, Osaka!" Chiyo cried. She gently slid the test under the still slumbering girl's arm.

"Next is Kagura!"

"Feh," Kagura said, leaning back in her chair, not really caring.

"In fourth place is Sakaki and in third place Kaorin!"

"There must be some mistake! Miss Sakaki's way smarter than me! I demand a rescore!"

Almost everyone looked strangely at Kaorin.

Yomi was staring at her best friend. "I'm impressed, Tomo. I'd never dreamed that you could make second place on an IQ test."

"Uh, Yomi," Chiyo interrupted, sounding embarrassed and a little bewildered. "Tomo didn't get second place. You did."

Yomi's brain ground to a halt, unable to process this new input.

The girls who had been watching Kaorin profusely apologize to Sakaki slowly turned their heads.

"I won?" Tomo asked in disbelief. Then she immediately caught herself. "Uh, of course, I won. I never expected otherwise."

"What... the... hell..." Yomi mumbled.

Oblivious to danger as always, Tomo smacked Yomi on the back and said, "There's no shame in losing to me. I'm naturally gifted after all."

Tomo had the strangest sensation that Yomi's glasses were gleaming menacingly at her as Yomi turned to face her.

The Takino girl chuckled nervously then she ducked behind Chiyo.

Yomi's attention turned to the diminutive girl, who involuntarily took a step back.

"Are you okay, Yomi?" Chiyo squeaked.

"She's smarter than Me! Idiot Tomo is SMARTER than ME!" Yomi shouted with a crazed look in her eyes. "How is this possible!"

"You don't have to sound so surprised," Tomo grumbled.

Chiyo spread her hands helplessly. "I guess she was just properly motivated. That's how she got into this school in the first place. She got in because you told her she couldn't. She might be lazy, but she has to be intelligent." Showing how rattled she was, she continued, "I mean, it's not like she's Kagura and is here for her athletics."

"Yeah!" Kagura agreed. Then she thought about it. "Wait a minute…"

"How do you explain Osaka then?" Kaorin asked.

Everyone turned and looked at the sleeping girl.

"I guess she's the exception that proves the rule," Chiyo replied hesitantly. She didn't think her friend was dumb, but by conventional standards, it was hard to figure out how the girl got in their school.

Tomo piped up, "I think we're all forgetting the important thing here. That I, Takino Tomo, am a certified genius! You may all now bask in my glory."

Yomi mechanically turned toward the doorway. "Excuse me while I go throw myself off the roof."

At this moment, Osaka woke up and stretched out her arms. After giving a huge yawn, she rubbed her eyes and asked, "What did I miss?"

It was Sakaki, surprisingly enough, that answered. "It appears that Tomo is smarter than Yomi."

Osaka nodded sagely. "Didn't everyone know that?"

That brought some life back to Yomi as she seemed to teleport across the room and started shaking the girl. "What do you mean, didn't everyone knew that? This _baka_ has never shown any signs of intelligence or even brain activity! She copies off my homework every day and has bombed every test we've taken since school started!"

Tomo seemed unfazed by this. "Why don't you tell us how you really feel?"

"So what you're saying is that Tomo never has to do her homework herself and she still gets passing grades because she copies off you and she doesn't get stressed out about tests unless they really matter? Tomo really is smart!" Osaka exclaimed.

Yomi became as still as stone.

Tomo walked up behind her and looked the frozen Yomi over. Then she turned to Osaka and informed her, "I think you broke her."

* * *

The ice cream party was rescheduled for the weekend since no one thought it was a good idea for Yomi and Tomo to be in the same room for the rest of the day.

There was also the hope that Tomo would be satisfied with her victory and would not feel the need to flaunt it to everyone she knew.

It wasn't absolutely impossible for hell to freeze over after all.

But the furnaces of the netherworld must have continued to burn all night because on Tuesday morning, Tomo was anything but modest.

"You certainly look... nice today, Tomo," Chiyo said uncertainly.

Tomo gave the younger girl a thumbs-up and grinned widely. She had come to school dressed as a stereotypical preppie nerd. She had a sweater tied around her neck, a pocket protector full of pens, and she was wearing a pair of frames that were missing their lenses.

"Hey, those are my backup pair!" Yomi cried. She glared at Tomo through bloodshot eyes.

Tomo peered at her over the top of her glasses. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Miss Mizuhara."

"Why the hell do you have a British accent?"

"The workings of the highly developed mind can be quite puzzling, can they not?" Tomo replied airily.

Yomi put her hand to her face and groaned.

"Hey, Yomi," Tomo said, dropping the accent. "I need to copy your homework before class begins."

Yomi whipped her head around with a wide smile. "I'm sorry, Tomo, but I didn't do my homework."

"What?"

"Since you're so smart, I was planning to copy off you from now on!" Yomi smiled triumphantly, with the confidence that only the truly sleep-deprived could possess.

Tomo looked aghast.

"Aha!" Yomi crowed. "Who's the genius now?"

"Neither of us?" Tomo suggested.

"Exactly!"

"But I'm still smarter," Tomo pointed out.

"Grr." Yomi slammed her fist on Tomo's desk. "I demand we take another test! I wasn't really trying the first time."

Tomo looked sadly at her friend. "Yomi, yomi, you're such a hypocrite. You're always telling me not to challenge people who are better than me. And look at you now, challenging your mental superior."

Yomi gave an inarticulate cry of rage and lunged at Tomo.

The rest of the day wasn't much better. Tomo simply wouldn't stop raising her hand in class.

"1492! Emc2! Mitosis! The Spice Girls!"

Yukari smiled sweetly at her. "Tomo, I'm glad you're taken such an interest in learning, but can you do one thing for me?"

Tomo nodded eagerly.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Yukari roared.

"So the answer's not mitosis?" Tomo asked weakly.

The class groaned.

* * *

When school finally broke out for the day, Yomi grabbed Tomo's arm and dragged her to the back of the room. Chiyo and the others followed.

Yomi looked mad enough to combust. She yelled at Tomo, "You must have cheated! Somehow, someway."

"You really think I'm an idiot," Tomo said in wonder.

"What was your first clue, Einstein?" Yomi sneered.

Tomo sighed. "You should be glad that I'm such a generous and forgiving soul. If it means so much to you, you can be the smarter one. I don't mind. But we'll both know the truth of your idiocy."

It took both Sakaki and Kagura to hold the bespectacled girl back.

Chiyo's voice broke through the melee. "Osaka, I think the joke's gone far enough."

Everybody froze.

"Care to explain that?" Kagura asked.

Chiyo shifted uncomfortably. "Tomo didn't really score higher than Yomi. It was a joke."

"Aww, I'm not smarter than Yomi?" Tomo pouted. Then she shrugged. "Easy come, easy go. Being smart is too much work, anyway."

"How could you do such a horrible, horrible thing, Chiyo-chan?" Yomi asked, unable to believe the sweet child could have done such a traumatizing thing.

"I didn't want to do it," Chiyo said. "But Osaka had a dream for a practical joke and she convinced me to pull it off for her."

"How did she do that?" Sakaki wondered.

"Wait, this is _Osaka's _idea? But she's an idiot!" Tomo protested.

"Takes one to know one," Yomi said, smiling, satisfied that the world somewhat made sense again.

Chiyo ignored the commentary and turned to Sakaki. "She said that if I didn't help her with this joke, then she'd have to carry out another joke she'd dreamt up by herself."

"What was that?" Sakaki asked.

Chiyo turned pale and shivered. She whispered shakily, "It involved Miss Yukari's car."

"_Ohhh_," the girls chorused.

The whole time Osaka simply stood there with a wide smile. When the other girls turned to her, she gave a slight start and said, "Oh, there was something I was supposed to say... Oh, yeah! Gotcha!"

Everybody simply stared at Osaka, flabbergasted for a moment. But her joy at her accomplishment was contagious and the other girls couldn't help but smile back.

"That was quite impressive," Sakaki said.

Tomo wiped a fake tear from her eye. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I suppose it was a little funny," Yomi said, very grudgingly.

"I never knew Osaka could be so clever," Kaorin said.

"I should have known better," Yomi said, shaking her head. "Tomo is dumber than a box of bricks."

"Hey!" Tomo protested.

"I guess that makes Osaka the smartest one here," Kagura said thoughtfully.

Yomi thought this over then shrugged. "At least it's not Tomo."

"Double hey!"

* * *

AN: I pick on Tomo because I know she can take it. Or was I picking on Yomi? It's a little unclear really. Anyway, watch out for more _Azumanga Tales!_


	2. Shakespeare Style!

Synopsis: Kimura has his class do a production of Shakespeare's classic, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. Lightly based upon my experiences in my college Shakespeare course. Some familiarity with the plot of the play might be helpful.

**Azumanga Tales: Shakespeare Style!**

The auditorium was gradually filling up with people. Even though the play about to be shown was just a class project by Class 3 and not an production officially sanctioned by the Drama Club, the rest of the school were quite interested in watching.

After all, Kimura was the strangest teacher in school after Yukari, and any class with Tomo Takino in it could hardly be said to be normal.

Peering out through the curtains, Yomi muttered nervously, "There sure are a lot of people out there."

"Really?" Tomo asked. She immediately stuck her head out and yelled, "Hello, everybody!"

Yomi yanked the short-haired girl back. "Please try not to make this day worse than it already is. What the hell was Kimura-sensei thinking?"

A week ago, the class was going over William Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ when the Classics teacher announced that they were going to perform the play.

"Reading a play is good," Kimura said. "But it can only be truly understood in the way it was meant to be conveyed. There are not enough parts for everyone, of course, so the class will divide into groups and each group will be responsible for one or two acts. And because I want to test your comprehension and not just your memorization, everyone will translate their character's lines into modern Japanese to perform in the front of the class."

The class buzzed excitedly about this change in routine.

"Since this is an informal performance, costumes will not be required, but if the girls would like to act in their gym clothes..." Kimura's jaw drooped over the thought.

The class ignored this odd behavior as usual.

Somehow over the week this simple class project evolved into a full-blown school event. Yukari had somehow gotten the idea that Kimura was intruding into her domain by doing plays written by an English playwright, so she had posted up fliers promoting a free audience performance in an attempt to embarrass him.

"Didn't you give any thought to how that would affect us?" Chiyo had asked.

"Not a single one," Yukari replied without blinking an eye.

Far from being embarrassed, Kimura thought it would be a good way to increase school spirit. The rest of the school seemed to feel similarly as the Fashion Club provided costumes and the Audiovisual Club reserved the auditorium and offered to run the lights and equipment for the class.

"We're doomed," Yomi moaned. "We never even had a full rehearsal."

Her group had agreed to practice at Chiyo's house, but through a series of strange circumstances, including Osaka having to leave town to attend a funeral, Kagura coming down with a three-day fever, Sakaki constantly wandering off after Tadakichi-san, and Tomo being Tomo, rehearsals were never completed.

"You worry too much," Tomo declared. "We're one of the acts in the middle. Everybody's going to remember the beginning and the end. Nobody's going to care about us."

"Really?" Yomi asked hopefully.

"Nah, we're screwed," Tomo replied cheerfully.

Act 1 through the first part of Act 2, Scene 1 went by smoothly. At the end of the first Oberon's speech, there would be a shift in actors. Tomo would replace Chihiro as Helena and Yomi would replace another male classmate as Demetrius.

"Here we go," Yomi breathed.

Tomo gave Yomi her trademark peace sign. "I want to wish you good luck!"

Yomi smiled at her friend. "Thanks."

Tomi then kicked Yomi in the shin.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" Yomi yelled, rubbing her leg.

"I was wishing you luck," Tomo replied, looking confused.

"By breaking my leg...? Oh," Yomi said in realization. "Well, let me return the favor!"

Tomo had already started running.

"No, wait! You idiot, you're supposed to be chasing me on stage!" Yomi shouted, running after her.

As the two girls sorted out who was supposed to be chasing whom, Chiyo, in her capacity as narrator for this hodgepodge of a play, was already speaking.

Her high voice spread over the audience. "The fair Hermia, not wanting to marry Demetrius as her father commands, ran off with Lysander to be secretly married. Hermia's friend, Helena, learns of this and decides to inform Demetrius, whom she loves. Demetrius, though, loves Hermia and is not all that fond of Helena. The pair set off after the wayward couple and hope they will all meet in the forest."

(Act 2, Scene 1. _The forest._)

_Enter Demetrius with Helena following him._

YOMI (DEMETRIUS)  
I don't love you! So stop following me!  
Where's Lysander and Hermia?  
You told me they went into the woods  
And here I am in the middle of nowhere  
Because I can't find Hermia.  
Go away and stop bothering me!

TOMO (HELENA)  
WAH! This sucks! You suck! It's your own fault that I'm following you. If  
you stopped being so damn sexy, I'd stop following you.

YOMI_  
(Rolls eyes)_  
Am I giving off signals? Do I give you compliments?  
I am telling you the honest truth  
That I will never, ever, ever love you!

TOMO  
That just makes me love you more! Because I'm apparently a masochist.  
I am your spaniel! Demetrius, the more you beat me,  
the more I'll suck up to you.

_Tomo made a gagging nose. "Oh my god, I am sick! Isn't there a hotline I can call for this?"_

_"Tomo!" Yomi hissed. "Acting!"_

_Tomo instantly put on a weepy face and dropped to her knees._

TOMO  
Spurn me, strike me,  
Neglect me, insult me.  
Use me as your whipping boy, uh, girl.  
Treat me as you would a hated dog  
As long as you let me stay with you!

_Tomo ceased her melodramatic acting, frozen in realization. "Holy crap! I'm Helena! Just less whiny!"_

_Yomi smacked her forehead and muttered, "That's debatable."_

_"And Yomi, you fit the role of abusive lover perfectly!" Tomo concluded._

_"The hell you say!" Yomi thundered, blushing fiercely. She shook with rage and spat out her next line with relish. _

YOMI  
You're so pathetic  
That I feel sick when I look at you.

TOMO  
I sicken me too, but I'm even sicker when you're not around! Who doesn't  
love the four-eyed, chubby look?

_Yomi's fist suddenly met Tomo's face._

_Tomo staggered around the stage woozily then fell down. She mumbled into the floor, "You're not exactly disproving my point."_

YOMI  
You do impeach your modesty too much  
You're rather brave or maybe just stupid  
to be alone at night with someone who dislikes you intensely  
and risk your (_Yomi blushes)_ virginity so.

_Tomo jumped to her feet with a deeply serious look on her face._

TOMO  
I trust you more than you can know.  
It is not night when I see your face  
Because you shine bright enough to burn away the darkness.

_Tomo suddenly looked at Yomi with shining eyes and Yomi started to feel uneasy._

TOMO  
The woods are not lonely with you around  
I respect you so much  
How can I ever be alone in the world  
When the world is you?

YOMI  
I'm going to run away and let the bears eat you!

_Yomi couldn't help noticing that Tomo was easing closer to her with every line, and that her eyes held a disturbing, predatory gleam._

TOMO  
There's definitely no one like you  
You can run but you can't hide.  
The hunter will become the hunted in this new game of ours  
So run, run as fast as you can,  
I will catch you because I'm Tomo-chan!

_Yomi dodged Tomo's lunging hug then gave a nervous giggle. "I had no idea you could act so well, Tomo."_

_Tomo didn't reply but simply kept advancing. _

_Yomi was not fully acting when she backed away in fear and squeaked, "If you follow me, I'll knock you into next Tuesday!"_

_Tomo spread her arms and abandoning any pretense at reading her lines, screamed, "Come to me, Yomi baby!"_

_Yomi's nerves finally broke and she ran screaming from the stage with Tomo at her heels._

(_Exit Helena and Demetrius._)

_Enter Oberon._

KAGURA (OBERON)  
Good luck, lady. Keep him from leaving the woods  
And if things go well, he'll end up seeking your love.  
_(Turns to face off-stage)_  
Ah, welcome, Puck. Do you have the flower I asked for?

_Kagura waited, but no one came onto the stage. Kagura repeated her line, slightly louder, "Welcome, Puck! Do you have the flower I asked for? Osaka, get your butt out here!" _

_Chiyo's strained voice rang out at her. "Osaka's helping me with something. Just continue!"_

_"What's going on?" Kagura demanded._

_"Kimura-sensei went crazy when he saw the fairies... Just keeping going!"_

_"Okay..." Kagura muttered. _

KAGURA  
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,  
Where oxlips --

_There was a female scream backstage._

_"Kagura, come help us!" Chiyo yelled._

_"But my lines!" Kagura protested. Another scream cut off Chiyo's reply. Kagura stomped off the stage, swearing up a storm._

_The sounds of shuffling, stomping, and clanging could be heard back-stage. Five minutes later, Sakaki's voice was heard saying, "Chiyo-chan, I think the audience is growing restless."_

_"I know," Chiyo said wearily. "We're going to have to skip the fairy sequence. Sakaki, you and Kaorin need to get out there."_

(Act 2, Scene 2. _Another part of the woods._)

_Enter Lysander and Hermia_

KAORIN (LYSANDER)  
We've been walking all day, Hermia. I think we should stop and rest for the night.

SAKAKI (HERMIA)  
Go find yourself a bed, Lysander. I will be fine lying here.

KAORIN  
The ground will be fit for the both of us.  
After all, we are as one, the two of us.  
One heart, one bed, two bosoms, _(Kaorin blushes)_  
And one troth.

SAKAKI  
Good Lysander, for my sake,  
Please do not lie so near.

_Kaorin's eyes filled with tears. "Don't you like me, Miss Sakaki?"_

_Sakaki stared at her, bemused. "Uh..."_

_Kimura came rushing onto the stage, yelling, "I like you, Kaorin!"_

_Kaorin shrieked in horror._

_Chiyo announced desperately, "Unknown to Lysander and Hermia, there was a monster in the woods that liked to prey on young girls..."_

_Sakaki and Kaorin were running in circles around the stage while Kimura chased them. Kimura took a mighty lunge and managed to grab hold of Kaorin's leg._

_Kaorin tumbled to the ground with a shriek. She struggled and kicked and looked to be on the verge of chewing her leg off. _

_Sakaki took a step forward and Kaorin cried, "No, go on without me! Save yourself!"_

_"That is not an option," Sakaki replied quietly. Then in one fluid move, she took a running jump onto Kimura's back, scooped up Kaorin, and ran off-stage._

_Kimura got to his feet with a groan then stumbled after them._

_Osaka wandered out onto the stage, dressed in an elaborate fairy costume. She held a staff with what appeared to be a hockey puck taped to it._

OSAKA (PUCK)  
Double, double, toil and trouble,  
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

What light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?  
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;  
Or close the wall up with our English dead!

Out, damned spot!

_Chiyo ran out onto the stage and shoved a script into Osaka's hands._

_Osaka looked down at Chiyo with a disapproving expression. "Et tu, Brute?"_

_Chiyo didn't know whether to be impressed or exasperated at Osaka's impression of a schizophrenic Shakespeare._

_Improvising quickly once again, Chiyo said, "Oberon, our master, told you to put love potion on the eyes of Demetrius as punishment for his churlish treatment of Helena. I beg you to come with me because I have found that vile Athenian." _

_Osaka waved her staff grandly and said, "Then lead on, Macduff."_

_As the two girls were leaving the stage, Osaka leaned over and whispered, "The expression is actually, 'Lay on, Macduff,' but that wouldn't make any sense in this context."_

_"What is this 'sense' you speak of?" Chiyo replied wryly._

_Yomi and Tomo ran past them into the fake forest._

_Tomo was wheezing heavily as she gasped, "You're killing me here, Yomi."_

_Yomi yelled, "Maybe you shouldn't have been chasing me while we were backstage then!"_

_Tomo took another leap at the other girl. Yomi ducked then dashed away._

_Helena aka Tomo turned to face the audience with a depressed look._

TOMO  
Look at her run away to Sakaki, Hermia, whatever.  
What does she have that I don't? Besides 8 centimeters on me.  
I guess compared to her I'm an ugly duckling.  
I'd run away from me too if I was Demetrius.  
_(Tomo __sighs)_  
Hey, wait. What's this? Lysander on the ground...

_"...or not," Tomo finished. She looked around in confusion. "Am I in the wrong scene?"_

_Sakaki came running on, still holding Kaorin in her arms. "Kimura's after us. Chiyo-chan says to adapt as best we can." _

_Tomo doesn't seem to be paying attention to Sakaki's words. "Oh ho, Lysand-man! How can you betray your friend Demetrius like this? Running off with his girl. Haven't you heard of the guy code?"_

_"Uh... I'm Hermia. Kaorin's Lysander," Sakaki replied._

_"Enough! I will not hear your lies! I challenge you to a duel for my beloved's honor!" Tomo cried. _

_"I accept," Sakaki replied as she set a disappointed Kaorin down._

_There was an awkward pause before an exasperated sigh could be heard from backstage and two plastic swords were thrown out._

_Tomo picks up hers and waved it experimentally. Then an evil smile appeared on her face. "En garde!"_

_But before she could take a step, Kaorin jumped onto her back and yelled, "I'll protect you, Miss Sakaki!"_

_Tomo managed to pry the girl off, but with her center of gravity already thrown off, she tripped and fell off the stage._

_There was a clattering sound by the steps then Yomi's voice could be heard from the area below the stage. "Are you okay, Tomo?"_

_"I just fell off the freaking stage! What kind of question is that?"_

_Kaorin dizzily got to her feet and was about to go apologize to Tomo when she was grabbed by two arms. _

_"I was wondering where you got off to," Kimura said, smiling at her._

_"Somebody save me!" Kaorin shouted._

_Osaka came rushing onto the stage, screaming, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"_

_Then with a mighty wave of her staff, she clonked her Classics teacher on the head. He dropped like a sack of potatoes._

_There was a stunned silence._

_Yomi stumbled onto the stage with Tomo leaning on her. The bespectacled girl stared at the scene in disbelief then said, "Osaka, you're not even doing Shakespeare anymore!"_

_Tomo weakly tugged on Yomi's sleeve. "Osaka's armed, dangerous, and apparently a wizard. Do you really want to complain?"_

_Osaka smoothed out the wrinkles on her costume. Then she said, "I've been looking all over for you. Come here so I can curse you."_

_The other actors collectively shrugged._

_Osaka took on an ominous tone. "In the name of the dark forces of evil, I command you to hell, you mother-"_

_"OSAKA!" the other girls screamed._

_'"Not that kind of cursing," Yomi said._

_Chiyo's voice rang out again, obviously going for damage control. "So __Puck curses Lysander and Demetrius to fall in love with Helena, sundering the bonds of love between Lysander and Hermia."_

_Tomo turned to Yomi with a grin. "Well, well, well. How the tables have turned. Pucker up, sweetheart."_

_Yomi pushed Tomo's face away and groaned, "No grade is worth this."_

_Tomo shrugged. "There's always Sakaki. Hey, you free Friday night?"_

_Kaorin made a gargled sound._

_"Hey, I thought you loved me!" Yomi exclaimed._

_"I thought you wanted to get rid of me," Tomo replied._

_Yomi yelled, "I do! It's the principle of the matter!"_

_Kagura yelled from backstage, "The subtext is beating me over the head here, guys!"_

Somehow, some way, the play was put back on track before the next Act began and the cast members rotated again. The beleaguered girls of Act 2 gathered into the backroom and collapsed on the couches.

"That was rather fun," Osaka commented.

"I barely got to say my lines!" Kagura complained.

Chiyo gestured angrily about her night, having lost her voice from too much shouting.

"I must not be enough of a pessimist," Yomi muttered. "Because this was far worse than I ever dreamed."

"Oh please. The audience loved it!" Tomo replied. "But yeah, things didn't go too well for you, Yomi. Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone you're a lesbian."

"Tha... WHAT!"

Tomo continued on, oblivious to her friend's reddening face, "I mean, _I_ was just acting, but the way you worried about me when I got hurt then got all jealous later reveals the truth about your unnatural urges. Fear not, Yomi, I will not think less of you..."

"Die," Yomi snarled, her hands clenching convulsively. "No, hurt, break, suffer, agonize, _then _die."

"I'm not into S&M either," Tomo replied before she ducked out the door.

With a crazed roar, Yomi leaped out after her.

After a short silence, Osaka asked, "Do you think Kimura-sensei will give us extra credit for how we kept the play going despite everything?"

"It depends on how much he remembers when he wakes up," Kagura replied dryly.

* * *

AN: This story may not be as in tune with the spirit of Azumanga Daioh as the first one, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone, so for better or worse, here it is. I'm rather proud of it though, but I can see how it can be a little confusing to the average reader. The next chapter should return us to more Azu-like wackiness. 


	3. New Year Fun

Synopsis: The girls celebrate the arrival of the new year.

**Azumanga Tales: New Year Fun**

It had become somewhat of a tradition for the girls to gather at the local temple on New Year's Day.

Chiyo glanced excitedly at her friends. Tomo was yawning widely and grumbling good-naturedly about having to get up so early. Osaka was watching the leaves fall with avid fascination. Kagura was talking to Sakaki about a new training regimen she started. And Yomi was coming up the steps, being the last one to arrive as usual.

"Happy New Year, Yomi!"

Yomi smiled gently at the shorter girl. "Sorry I'm late. Kaorin called me and said that her father was sick and she was helping her mother take care of him. She'll meet up with us later."

The girls got in line to stand before the altar and and pray for health and prosperity for the upcoming year.

Osaka asked, "Did you have a first New Year dream this year, Chiyo-chan?"

"Yes!" Chiyo replied happily. "It was pretty ordinary though but fun too! I dreamt that all of us were at Magical Land and went on all the rides!"

"Was I there?" Yomi asked eagerly.

Chiyo looked at her with sympathy. "Are you still upset about not going?"

"Of course not," Yomi said unconvincingly. "Now was I there or not?"

Chiyo looked at the ground in embarrassment. "I think in the dream you were sick and had to stay home."

Tomo laughed. "Not even in Chiyo-chan's dreams! Better luck next time, Yomi!"

"What did everyone else dream?" Osaka asked.

Chiyo narrowed her eyes when she saw Tomo open her mouth. "If it involves my death again then I don't want to hear it."

Tomo crossed her arms and pouted. "Chiyo-chan's no fun!"

Sakaki told a long, convoluted story about a strange, cat-like creature that Chiyo insisted was not her father. Osaka told a disturbing story about how their entire class had been kidnapped by Yukari and brought to an island to participate in a Battle Royale, and Osaka had emerged the winner by slaughtering all of her classmates with a paper fan. (shout-out to DB Sommer!)

There was a long silence then Tomo turned to Chiyo and complained, "How come I get in trouble for dreaming about killing you and Osaka doesn't?"

"I'm more disturbed by the fact that Osaka's dream had multiple endings," Kagura muttered.

The girls finally reached the head of the line. On a whim, Tomo tried to toss her coin into the offeratory box with her eyes closed and missed by a few inches.

Kagura snorted and with her eyes closed threw her coin in a perfect arc into the box.

Not to be outdone, Tomo closed her eyes again, stretched her arm back like a baseball pitcher, and threw the coin as hard as she could. It ricocheted off the box and smacked Yomi in the face.

While the girl with the rapidly forming bruise wondered if it was worth the karmic backlash to beat up Tomo on holy ground, Tomo turned to Kagura and said quickly, "I meant to do that!"

"Shouldn't you be trying to deny it?" Kagura wondered. "It's not something to be proud of!"

"That would mean admitting that I missed!" Tomo replied, looking scandalized.

"Again, you're missing my point," Kagura said, rubbing her forehead.

Looking up at the heavens, Yomi moaned, "Why me? What have I done to deserve Tomo?"

Kagura patted her on the back sympathetically. "It could be worse."

"How?"

"You could _be_ Tomo."

Yomi put a finger to her lips in thought. "You have a point. That would be horrifying."

"Hey, I'm standing right here, you know!" Tomo exclaimed.

Yomi looked at her briefly then turned back to Kagura. "Definitely horrifying."

While the girls moved on to receive their fortunes to tie to the tree, Osaka had picked up a book of koans from a nearby table and was flipping through it.

Osaka read aloud, "Was I before a man who dreamt about being a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly who dreams about being a man?"

Osaka looked up with a frown. "But I'm a girl. Does that mean that I'm a butterfly dreaming that it's a man dreaming that he's a girl? And if so, does that mean I have multiple personality disorder? Or maybe I'm a transvestite?" She looked at the booklet, impressed. "Layers upon layers, indeed."

* * *

New Year's in Japan was generally a boring day since most of the shops were closed. Normally, the girls would go home and enjoy lying around the house doing nothing, but this year Chiyo invited her friends over to her house for a backyard barbecue.

"So are we finally going to meet your parents, Chiyo-chan?" Sakaki asked as the group walked down the street toward Chiyo's house.

"I'm afraid not," Chiyo replied with a downcast look. "Father and Mother flew to America for a business meeting. They asked me to go, but there usually aren't any other kids there, so it's rather dull."

"I'm beginning to think they don't really exist," Yomi said out of the corner of her mouth to Tomo.

"Maybe she murdered them, chopped them up, then hid their bodies in the walls," Tomo said with great enthusiasm.

"You're sick, you know that?"

"Maybe her parents are spies," Kagura suggested.

"Mister Mihama's powers would be useful in that line of work," Sakaki agreed.

"Didn't you say he could shoot laser beams out of his eyes? I can't remember," Tomo said.

"I think that's Superman. But Mister Mihama can fly too now that I think about it," Yomi replied.

"Maybe my parents are perfectly normal people!" Chiyo exclaimed, shaking her head a little. Sakaki's running joke (or at least she assumed it was a joke) was amusing, but it could be tiring at times.

The other girls didn't see it that way, of course. Agitating Chiyo was a guilty pleasure, so they actively encouraged the tall girl and her imagination. It was difficult enough getting the reserved girl to loosen up after all.

Osaka was rhythmically opening and closing her hand as fast as she could.

"What are you doing?" Chiyo asked.

"I'm trying to hear the sound of one hand clapping," Osaka responded while staring intently at her fist.

"Wouldn't it sound more like this?" Tomo asked before she whacked Yomi in the back, almost knocking the girl over.

"No, that sounded more like a slap," Osaka replied seriously.

"No, _this_ sounds like a slap," Yomi growled, drawing her hand back.

"Ssh!" Sakaki suddenly hissed. She was staring intently up the street. "It's the gray cat."

Almost as if it could sense his nemesis, the tiny, feline head turned toward the girl sneaking silently upon him.

Knowing that trying to convince the older girl of the folly of her ways was futile, Chiyo rummaged around in her knapsack for the antiseptic and bandages.

Sakaki reached out with a trembling hand toward the furry little monster who was now baring his teeth.

Kagura's face brightened. "Let me try something." She quickly ran past Sakaki and scooped up the cat.

She then put him into a modified wrestling hold and presented him to Sakaki. "Quick! Pet it! Pet it now!"

Five minutes later, Chiyo was bandaging up both Sakaki and Kagura.

"I really thought that would work," Kagura said, crest-fallen.

"Never underestimate the hatred that cats have for Sakaki," Tomo said wisely.

The incident was quickly forgotten when they arrived at the house. Chiyo's chef had set up a magnificent spread and left a grill off to the side if anyone wanted to try their hand at barbecuing.

Yomi had to tackle Tomo when the girl took a step toward the lighter fluid.

"Set someone on fire _one_ time and suddenly you're a menace," Tomo grumbled.

Since Kagura had the most experience, she took charge of the grill and soon, the group of friends were sitting back and enjoying the food.

"Hey, everybody!" Kaorin joyfully shouted as she walked through the yard. She nervously went over to Sakaki who was petting Mister Tadakichi.

"I'm sorry that I was late, Miss Sakaki," Kaorin stuttered. "Have you been having a good time?"

"It has been pleasant," Sakaki replied.

"I'm glad." Kaorin fumbled with her backpack. "I brought a snack to the barbecue that Yomi told me you really liked."

She handed Sakaki a can of bear meat.

Sakaki turned green and clasped a hand to her mouth. "Excuse me!"

Kaorin watched her idol run off, bewildered. "Was it something I said?"

* * *

Later that afternoon, everybody went home to have dinner with their families. Then they met back up at Chiyo's house dressed in their best kimonos ready to go to the festival.

"What's in the bag?" Yomi asked as she watched Tomo come into the house holding a large paper bag.

"You'll see," Tomo said mysteriously before setting the bag inside the coat closet.

The girls walked to the train station and took a ride to the festival grounds. There was some trouble keeping the group together since Tomo went berserk over the food stands and Sakaki kept disappearing whenever the group passed a table bearing stuffed animals.

"Maybe we should just pair off and meet up later," Kaorin suggested as she edged her way toward Sakaki's side.

"We should stick together," Yomi said firmly. "The last time we went to a festival, Tomo got lost in the house of mirrors for an hour."

"I was simply memorized by my beauty," Tomo said defensively.

"And your lack of brains had nothing to do with it?"

"Better my lack of brains than your big hips!"

"Leave my hips out of this!"

"I can't! They're too big!" Tomo cried with a smirk.

In the midst of this argument, Osaka had wandered over to a fish catching game. The vendor handed her a flimsy catcher and she stared at it thoughtfully.

Chiyo walked over next to her and stared at the large tank of water with tiny fish swimming around in it. Then she asked, "Do you like goldfish?"

"Not really. I just want to try something I saw in an anime once." Osaka took on a determined expression, drew back her arm, and yelled, "KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!"

A soaked and dripping vendor told Osaka not to come back.

The visit to the festival ended up being quite enjoyable. They looked at all the stands, admired the setting, and went on the rides. The girls had to drag Tomo away from the merry-go-round though.

"Come on! One more time!" Tomo whined.

"We've been on it _ten_ times!" Yomi yelled. "What's so fascinating about going around in circles?"

"It brings out the child in me," Tomo replied flippantly.

"Like that's tough to accomplish. _A ball of__yarn_ brings out the child in you," Yomi said witheringly. "It's a dumb ride."

"No, it's not," Tomo insisted.

"Yes, it is."

"Not."

"Is."

Tomo held out her hands in a time-out gesture. "Look, there's an easy way to settle this. Chiyo-chan, what's better? The merry-go-round or riding in Miss Yukari's car?"

Chiyo trembled and whispered, "Mer-ry go-o ro-round."

Tomo turned to Yomi triumphantly. "There you go."

"That didn't prove anything and you know it!" Yomi shouted.

A short argument later, Yomi got her way and chose the next ride. So Yomi got to work off her frustrations on the bumper cars by chasing Tomo around... in circles. Nobody dared to point out the irony.

* * *

Back at Chiyo's house, Sakaki and Kagura set up the karaoke machine while the other girls flipped through the music selection.

Yomi made a move to pick up a microphone, and Tomo leapt up and tackled her.

"What the hell?" Yomi mumbled into the floor.

"All in favor of Yomi _not_ singing?" Tomo asked while Yomi squirmed and cursed beneath her.

Kagura raised an eyebrow. "So she's a bad singer. It's only one night."

"That's what you think!" Tomo cried. "But it adds up! New Year's, Christmas, birthdays. I've suffered since elementary school! I can't take it any more!"

Then she felt Yomi's body shaking. "Wha-at?"

A sob escaped from Yomi's lips. "I know you didn't like my singing Tomo-chan, but I didn't know you hated me so much!"

Tomo scrambled to her feet in utter panic. "I don't hate you!"

"Well, friends don't embarrass each other like this," Yomi said, turning her face away.

"I was just joking around! I didn't mean anything by it. Please stop crying," Tomo pleaded.

"I guess I'm just over-reacting," Yomi said, still hiding her face. "I think I just need a drink to calm down."

"You got it!" Tomo said, rushing toward the kitchen. "Lemonade, okay?"

"Whatever," Yomi said, sniffling. "Do you think you could get me a sandwich while you're in there?"

"No problem!" Tomo yelled before she disappeared.

Chiyo put a hand on Yomi's shoulder hesitantly. "Are you okay?"

Yomi looked up with a dry face and an evil smile. "Couldn't be better."

Two hours later, everyone was ready to go home and have a good night's sleep, but Tomo blocked the way to the front door.

"Wait! We have to do one thing to really start off the New Year." Tomo ran to the closet and pulled out her bag. She then spilled their contents onto the floor.

"You bought fireworks?" Kagura asked in disbelief.

"Yep, back in August," Tomo replied proudly. "I've been saving them for a special occasion."

"You know they're illegal, right?" Kaorin asked.

"Only if you get caught!" Tomo ran off before the other girls could stop her.

By the time they caught up with her, Tomo had already set some off, and they could only watch in awe as streaks of color flashed across the sky.

"I guess one or two wouldn't hurt," Kagura said as she accepted a sparkler from Tomo.

Chiyo refused a sparkler. "I don't like them. They just seem like an easy way to set yourself on fire."

"Or other people," Yomi said, glaring at Tomo.

"Your hair grew back," Tomo replied cheerfully.

"Wigs are very itchy," Yomi informed the others.

"If a house catches on fire and there's no one around to see it, does it make a sound? And more importantly, do the people sleeping inside the house still burn to death?" Osaka asked, waving her sparkler around.

Tomo snatched the sparkler from her. "Okay, no more fireworks for you."

"It's like the pyromaniac leading the arsonist," Yomi teased.

"Now you're just exaggerating. I'm not that bad. It was _one_ time," Tomo insisted. She swung her arm out in frustration, and in doing so, knocked the bottle rocket Kagura had just lighted out of her hand.

Chiyo watched her life flash before her eyes. It was rather short.

Luckily, so was she. The rocket went right over her head then fizzled out on the lawn.

Six glares were leveled on Tomo.

She gulped and smiled weakly. "Happy New Year?"

Chiyo gingerly felt the top of her head. Deciding to look on the bright side, she said, "Well, it certainly started off with a blast."

Six very pained looks were sent her way.

* * *

AN: My friend's uncle was hit by a bottle rocket right in the chest one Fourth of July. He got a deep bruise since he wasn't as lucky as Chiyo. ;)

We also accidentally set the hedges on the fire that very same night, but I couldn't figure out a way to work that into the story since you kinda had to be there to really appreciate the chaos. So remember, kids, always have a fire extinguisher on hand. Happy New Year!


End file.
